Have you ever thought that the world would never catch up with you but at the same time that you would never catch up to the world that you live in. To this day I don't understand why tried to kill himself; now I just can't see why it would have saved those I love from pain. All I could think about at the time was the pain that I was in and how me being gay was the source of it all.
At first when I realized that I might be gay I tried my best to run from who I am, I did my best to convince myself that I was just curious and that after my hormones calmed down a bit I would be just fine. Unfortunately things don't work that way, or at least they didn't for me; I suppose I just can't change who I am. I've tried to analyze exactly how it happened or when it happened before but all I could find was that I've always know that I liked guys. I can remember when we were kids (or at least when we were younger) I always liked looking my brothers and my friends over and I never passed up the opportunity to see them without a shirt or in their underwear.
Looking at it now I don't think there ever was a 'when' or 'why' I just 'am' and nothing anyone does will change that. It was my fault that my older brother had left the house that day; but what took me the longest time to realize was that it wasn't my fault that that's what killed him. There was no way I could have know exactly how he would react, no matter how much I expected. I suppose things like that will either turn out worse then what you expected or they will turn out better.
My mother and my other brother didn't react like my older brother did and sometimes I wonder why. Did my older brother not love me as much? Was he a bad person? Am I? I've come to the conclusion that had he had time to cool down then things would have been fine. I think back to exactly what he said to me before he left, it was more like he was just surprised and hurt rather then being filled with hate. I'll never know though, the past just can't be undone no matter how much we wish it could be. Guessing about what may have happened and trying to piece together what could have been just aren't worth it though, like I said, you can't change the past.
While I stood there looking at my brother holding his bedding I wondered just why I was forced to stay behind in this world. I loved him more then he will ever really be able to understand yet he couldn't return that same kind of love. I stared at him for a minute or two just taking him in, my god was he beautiful. But as I looked into his eyes I could see that although he couldn't return the kind of love I once hoped for he was offering me a different kind of love; a kind of love that would last forever, the kind of love that he had given me since we were little kids. Jeremy loved me like a brother, like I was his best friend and even if he couldn't be there for me the way I once wanted and still did then he would do his best to be there for me as my brother, as my friend. I had suddenly realized that my brother wasn't trying to confuse me he was trying his best to give me support, he was trying to show me that he cared and here I was trying my best to push him away because I was lost and confused.
"What are you doing?" I had asked but he didn't have to answer me after I looked into his eyes and he knew it. He knew that I understood on some level why he was there. I suddenly saw my brother in a different light. Sure he was cute but that suddenly didn't matter all that much to me because I knew that although I couldn't have him he would support me and stand by me and that was the next best thing.
Jeremy walked up to me and put his arms around me, "Every thing is going to be okay bro."
But I thought that everything was okay now, right? He didn't know how much I was struggling with this did he? But the answer to both of those questions was already answered. Everything is going to be okay he told me.
Why do some of the hardest questions in life have to have answers that you already knew deep down inside but you were just too confused to see it. I've always known that Jeremy would be there for me but I was too tied up with what I was feeling to see it.
That night me and Jeremy talked until four in the morning, he even shared the bed with me (although I had to let him know it was ok before he would). We hadn't shared a bed since we were nine, it was fun. Although I can see why mom gave us separate rooms, if she didn't then we would never sleep! We talked about everything that had happened in the last few months and Jeremy even got me to talk about exactly how I felt about him before and after everything that had happened. I couldn't believe that he still trusted me enough to sleep in the same bed after I was done but he just smiled.
You know it doesn't take much for you to be there for someone. An open mind and a good heart is all it really takes to makes someone feel better and let them know that they are not alone. Even if you don't really understand just being there helps more then you could ever possibly know.
One thing that I learned is that not everyone can be trusted to not over react. Some people have phobias that they are unwilling to get over. My older brother Tyler was a good person but he panicked and let his view of people like me cloud is vision. Trust in others is confidence or faith and with the help of my family I have faith in my ability to accept others as I myself have not been or will not be in the future.
Oh and Jeremy thinks that he can help me find a boyfriend, that kind of makes me giggle to say that; Jeremy's serious though. He says that everything is going to be okay and for the first time in years I actually think it will be.