As wonderful as it was that Jeremy didn't hate me I still didn't feel much better. He confirmed that I could never have him. I really don't know why I was so surprised, I knew he like girls. But I suppose somewhere deep inside my heart I hadn't given up. Well, I now knew that I had to, he would never be mine.
Why did any of this have to happen anyway, why couldn't things be as simple as they were when we were younger. When we were kids we didn't care about girls and falling in love, as far as we were concerned that stuff was gross! Now we get older and suddenly that stuff matters. That's the one thing they really don't tell you when you're young, they don't tell you how much things will change when you get older. And now that I think about it I'm really glad that they didn't, what kid would want to grow up if they knew that the world would be out to get them and that people would change from being kind and caring and understanding to cruel and prejudice.
The only good that came out of what happened was that now Jeremy was speaking to me again and he didn't blame me for Tyler's death. I still blamed myself though. He left the house because I'm gay, I should have never been born. It really was my fault that Tyler was dead but at least Jeremy didn't hate me for that.
I spent the next few days in the hospital because they wanted to do a psychological evaluation of me. I guess they just wanted to be sure that I wouldn't try to kill myself again. Like having those crack pots talk to me is going to solve my problems. They also wanted to know why I had tried to kill myself to begin with, but I refused to talk to the doctors at the hospital about it. The last thing I needed was some piss poor psychologist telling me that what and who I am is wrong. I already knew that and I already felt bad enough about everything; I didn't need their help to feel worse.
My neck was healing well but I still had rope burns on it. It hurt like hell the first time the nurse changed my bandages. Jeremy took to helping the nurse with changing the bandages and apply some kind of cream to my neck. He said that he wanted to help in anyway possible, but I think he just felt guilty that he might have had something to do with my attempted suicide. I was still thankful for his help, though, even if being around him just made me depressed. Just looking at him reminded me of what had happened and of what I could never have. I still wished I wasn't there, I still wished that that short drop and sudden stop had killed me.
I finally got to go home after my lovely five day visit to the hospital. It was really good to be able to go home with my family. After all, I still loved them. Mom was just chatting away like nothing had ever happened and Jeremy was acting like how he did before Tyler's death. Jeremy was telling me jokes that I hadn't heard for years and talking about all the fun things we use to do together, like building forts out of couch cushions on Saturday mornings while watching cartoons. For the first time in months I actually had a good time with my family. Most of all for a few hours I forgot what had happened and how it was my fault. But as the week went on things started to go down hill again.
Before I tried to off myself Jeremy wouldn't talk to me at all, now he wouldn't leave me alone. He followed me everywhere and always came up with some excuse as to why he was. He even came up with an excuse as to why he needed to follow me into the bathroom! At first it really didn't bother me but soon not having any private time was starting to get to me. On top of that because he didn't want to leave me by myself he was now dressing in the same room as me. If I didn't know better I would say that he was almost taunting me, like showing a diabetic a piece of chocolate cake and then saying "You can't have any". And God did he look good in just his underwear! I was trying to forget the fact that I was in love with him and what he was doing wasn't helping me any.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore he was just always there; I completely lost it when he caught me jacking off. I gave him more than an ear full of what I thought. I just blurted out everything that he was doing that was bugging me. What really pissed me off was the fact that he just stood there and didn't say anything! It was as if he expected this! That was it for me, I told him to get the hell out of my room and to not come back in. He looked at me for a moment and then slowly walked out without saying another word. He looked so sad as he left the room but I was way too pissed off to care at that point.
Later that night I had a nightmare and woke with a start. I was too scared to go back to sleep so I thought I'd try and use the bathroom and then maybe get something to drink. When I left my room I found Jeremy sleeping in the hall way right outside my door. I understand that he wants to keep an eye on me but now I felt like I was being stalked and taunted at the same time. I looked him over for a minute and then leaned down and carefully picked him up and then carried him to his room. As I tucked him into his own bed I looked down at him again; he really was beautiful. I sighed to myself as I remembered that I couldn't have. I remembered that it was because of the way that I like him that our brother Tyler was now dead.
God, why did I have to tell Tyler that I was gay! I miss him so much. I missed playing catch with him in the backyard, I missed the times we would all three skip school and go to the beach for the day, I missed just having him there to comfort me and look out for me. But now he was gone; I had made him go away and he would never come back, I killed my friend, my protector, my brother all because I loved another boy.
I looked down at Jeremy again, I looked over his sleeping form. Why did Jeremy have to find me when he did, why couldn't I be dead when he found me? That would make this so much easier, now I'm stuck here haunted by my guilt and my problems.
By the time I finally got back into bed I had thought over everything that had gone on in my life; everything that had gotten me to this point in my life. I thought about everything from losing my parents to losing my older brother to Jeremy not talking to me. I tried to avoid thinking about what I felt for Jeremy. Then I thought about everything that had happened since I got back home. Jeremy was always with me now and as much as I loved him he was screwing with my head. He told me that he didn't love me the way I loved him but then every chance he got it seemed like he was trying to tempt me with his body. I just wish life was simple.
The next day was better because mom made Jeremy go back to school. She kept me home because she still wanted to keep an eye on me but she didn't want Jeremy to miss anymore school since I was ok and I wasn't going to just drop dead now. Me and mom got to talk for a change; after Jeremy had left for school we had coffee and coffee cake on the back porch. It was fun, mom read me some of the poems she had been working on (she's a poet, and a damn good one if you ask me) and she asked how each one made me feel. Now I'm not one to go and start listing off how I feel but Jenny's poetry has an odd affect on me and I kind of forget to be shy and closed off from the world. She actually got me talking about my feelings for Jeremy and I didn't even know it until I had already gone into great detail about what I liked about him. God, I was so embarrassed when I finally realized what I was saying. Mom just smiled at me though, she was just happy that we were talking like we use to when I was younger.
She use to sit all of us down and read us her poems and then she would get us to tell her exactly what we thought of them and then she would get us to tell her all the things that we normally wouldn't say to her because she was our mom. It's like her poetry was like magic and it could always get us to open up. I suppose you could say it made explaining to her how we felt easier. It's something that I will always love her for.
When Jeremy came home he almost tackled me when he came in the door. I thought he was going to squeeze all my insides out of me he hugged me so hard. For the next thirty minutes Jeremy sat next to me and told me how his day was.
"Every one is asking about you," Jeremy said. "But I didn't tell them any details about why you did it."
"What do you mean?" I asked. "Does everyone know I tried to kill myself?"
Jeremy looked scared for a moment and then nodded his head, "It wasn't me though David, so please don't be angry with me. I didn't tell them, the principle had made an announcement about it from what I've heard."
"Like what happens to me is any of their business," I said.
"Everyone is really worried about you David," said Jeremy. "Well, at least our friends are."
Well that wasn't news to me, I figured they would be. But what I hadn't counted on was the whole school knowing why I had been out. It wasn't any of their business, how dare our principle announce that to the school. He probably used this to help in his campaign against drugs seeing how no one knew for sure why I was in the hospital.
Jeremy stuck with me for the rest of the night...again. He did seem to be giving me more space though; I don't think he wanted me to yell at him again, I did say some pretty hateful things to him the night before when I had gone off on him. Things that I won't repeat. He didn't deserve what I had said to him. I guess I had hit a sore spot or something with one of the things I had said. But, hey, now he was giving me a little more space! That's an improvement!
We all played a board game together that night; we played Clue. I'm not really that good at the game but I had fun. By the time we had finished playing it was about midnight so we all headed off to bed. Just as I had gotten in bed and got comfortable I heard my door open and I heard someone shuffle in. I didn't even have to look up to know that it was Jeremy, my brother and now shadow. I heard him rustling around next to my bed so I turned to see what he was doing. It looked like he was spreading a blanket out on the floor.
"What are you doing?" I asked.