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It's like being wrapped in a sadness all day every day. Even if I'm smiling and laughing. The sadness is still there no matter what. I know what the sadness is I almost always have. It is made up of so much that it is hard to talk about at all yet at the same time my mind screams for it to all come out at once. What makes it hard to talk about is that no one could ever understand the whys and how's. Thus they would never understand the sadness its self so why talk about it at all.
It seems easier to just let the sadness keep wrapped around me rather than try to push it away. It can get so bad that when I lay down I just want to take my last breath so I won't have to wake up to the sadness anymore. Because no matter what there seems to only be more sadness all the time in one way or another. That is one reason why it seems so pointless to fight against it.
I have been wrapped by sadness for nearly as long as I can remember. Some of it goes away with time but more just comes along to take its place. It is as though each new layer of it is thicker than the one before. So if I really did try to fight out of it I don't think I could ever win against it anyway.
I know everyone gets sad, it's expected. But this is different, this kind lingers for weeks, months and even years. It can affect the way I think the way, I enjoy things and even people around me. It causes me to be bothered by things I never thought twice about but the things that have always bothered me the sadness only makes those things bother me even more.
After so much of this sadness and the effects it causes, it makes it easier to just give up. Just lay down and wait for death to take over so the sadness will finally disappear.
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