A Little Devil at Hogwarts (Follow-up to Harry Potter - Hellion)

 

Harry spent the rest of the Christmas season with his friends, going from one group to another, all in all, enjoying himself. A day before they were due back in Hogwarts, he paid a visit to the Queen at Balmoral Castle.

"Good morning Harry. I was wondering when you would come visit me here. After all, it is a mere hop from Hogwarts."

"Hey, Elizabeth! I have been rather busy since the holidays began, as you know. I have managed to transfer some sixty million High Elves from the Elvin kingdom and spread them around the world to keep an eye on things. The fact that you have developed nuclear capabilities has removed the option of keeping watch from the other side. This is our home world, as much as the mundanes would like to think otherwise. I will not let short-sighted idiots destroy it out of greed, incompetence, or fear."

"You have a lot of work to do then."

"Yes, I know."

"What happened in the United States? Our diplomats had to ride to Canada on horse-back to reach a functioning civilization!"

"I removed all electricity generating equipment. They are back to the stone age. It will not last, as they can buy the replacement equipment from anywhere."

"The issue is that their money is now worthless. They have to barter to get anything. I heard they took out of the museums steam engines that ran on wood or other fossil fuels! Their ships turn to nice decorations the moment they drop anchor anywhere around the world! No air company even wants to risk flying over their land masses for fear of their aircrafts falling down or seized on landing. "

"Too bad for the Americans. They are paying the price for their narrow view of what constitutes power, real power. As for the aircrafts, they are safe... as long as the Americans do not try to impound them. The moment this occurs, reactors are simply taken out, and the plane becomes a nice showcase for obsolete technology."

"What would happen, say, if a driver pushed his car across the Canadian border?"

"Nothing. Once gone, the engine is gone... for good. Naturally, he can put another engine in the car, but the moment he returns to the United States, it vanishes."

"And how long will that punishment endure?"

"As long as they truly believe they can get away with threatening others to get their way and impose their cultural mores on others. The Knights of the Round Table are not tin cans, and I plan to make the point clear enough they will consider changing their food storage habits. Oh yes, no electricity, no refrigeration, no food conservation other than salt. You might consider sending ships carrying sea salt to them. Your ships will be okay... as long as they stay British. The moment they act stupidly, the ship loses its engines. Naturally, they could build steam-powered ships running on wood, natural gas, or coal, but they will have to do without any, and I mean any, electronic gadget... not even a head will be allowed to have electric shaving equipment."

"A head?"

"The name given to shit holes on a ship... I always wondered why they called them that way until I realized that those whom were prone to sea-sickness made the crossing their head in said shit holes, greener than a tropical plant! All you could see of the poor bloke was the back of his head as he returned everything he had in his stomach!"

The Queen laughed hard and long at the image as she remembered quite well the first trip of Prince Philip on board the Britannia, her cruise ship, as they toured the world.

"Do you think the Americans will send a replacement for Wilkes?"

"Probably, but not for at least four months... They have first to realize they can use other countries' transports without ill consequences as long as said transport is not impounded. Then the other side has to realize the same thing. And negotiations must be undertaken successfully for said Diplomat to make his way to your shores. And I suspect there will be one very stormy debate as to the value of sending a representative to Camelot. Some will oppose it vehemently on the grounds that it would be sending a representative to the Devil. Given what I did to them, I can not, in all honesty, blame them for thinking so. I told the President any attempt at rekindling witch hunts on his shores or anywhere else would have dire consequences. I think he will have understood the message clearly as he gets a better picture of the state of the Union. I am sure there will be fanatics, but it his his duty to insure that the Constitution of the United States is followed, and that such things as lynchings do not happen if he wants the United States to get out of the morass its belly button mentality has put it in. I figure the people are in too much of a shock to react, but as things settle and they realize what the situation is, they will become restless. It is up to him to use the period of grace to take back the control of the country and give them a positive goal rather than recriminate and throw crap at each other."

"You are giving a bit too much credit to elected officials, Harry. They bend under pressure rather than do what is right."

"Hey, I know! But I am giving him enough rope to hang the Administration. Once that is done, well... How would you like to recover that under your umbrella?"

"No way, no how! They have proven day in day out they are unable to be reasonable. The day the Union Jack flies over the Congress is the day the Earth is flat!"

"Well, then, it will be mine. They will be under Camelot, either by direct rule, or by yours, Elizabeth. I only am waiting for them to sink enough they have no choice."

"Talking about direct rule... Denmark wants to join. Their Queen is getting on in age and her successor is talking about abdication the moment he gets the crown. I got a rather long missive from him explaining the idea, and Queen Beatrice wrote one even longer letter concerning the need for fusion of our two kingdoms... under Camelot. The Prince wants to be free of the responsibility and dangers. The Queen wants her country safe. It seems that the stability of the British Crown due to its protection has the lure of a mirror to a magpie. What do you suggest?"

"Has Sweden made a similar tentative?"

"Not yet, but I would not be surprised. In fact, I think most crowned heads are finding the crown heavy."

"Let me think this out. It may be possible. However, I would like things to be in the open, with a referendum concerning the project. I am not that interested in governing this ball of wet dirt. I have the Elvin Kingdom and the Magical Kingdom here on Earth to dig my teeth into. Mundanes are more of a nuisance than anything else."

"Okay, I will reply to the prince along these lines."

"Thank you."

"Harry, I know you hate anything formal, but could you come to the New Year's State Dinner? I know, it is a bit short notice, but you said it yourself, you were hard to reach. It is on January third, as I spent the New Year with my family to fix some issues."

"I hope all went well?"

"So and so. Some think they can bypass Camelot and the Magical bond."

"You know that if they push too far, they will be found in breach of Magic?"

"Yes, but a couple are on the stubborn side."

"Stupid is more like it."

"Anyway, I am telling you this more so you know if you hear or feel anything concerning the bond, please tell me so I can try and do something about it."

"The only option you have if you want them to stay alive is to kick them out of the family; thus they will lose their Magical protection, but if they are careful and do not go acting like invincible nut cases, they will survive. If they are old, they will suffer accelerated aging, as the bond did have slow-down effects on your family... Just look at how old Queen Victoria lived! As a side-effect, it will isolate your family from them as thy will lose their name in Magic. They will register as No Name, Given Name. You can give them a mundane name but it will not register in Magic."

"I see. I will inform the stiff-necks of their options and fate. Could you please be present?"

"Sure, just tell me when. I will be at Hogwarts on the third of January, to settle my friends and make sure nothing untoward happens. At what time is that State Dinner?"

"It begins at 20:00 on the dot with the opening of the State Dining hall. By 22:00, the Ball Room opens and well, there is a ball. I do not expect you to come accompanied by a girl. I know my boys just made funny faces when they were your age and the idea of getting a date for a ball came up."

"Okay. I may come with a friend... Draco is a ball Dragon. He has all those fancy dresses that are fit for Louis XIV balls. I figure that would be enough?"

"You are giving me an evil idea, young man! A short notice epoch costume ball, style Louis XIV! I can just imagine the freaking and hysteria that will cause!" the Queen said, snickering uncontrollably. "I never felt so young in years! What a nice dirty trick to play to the pompous asses! Ahem, Harry, you will be expected to wear the same style... NO nudity! However much I would appreciate giving heart attacks to some of those steel spines, it would be counterproductive at the end. We may not have an American Ambassador in attendance, but there is a cultural attaché. If you want to freak that jerk out, feel free, but only him!"

"Dully noted. I will just borrow some of Draco's clothes. Should I make sure Heir Longbottom is in attendance as well?"

"That goes without saying. I will tell your Godfather, Lord Black, and Lord and Lady Longbottom and Augusta... They already walk in the castle wearing things whose style is medieval at best, so it should not be a problem for them to wear Louis XIV clothing. I am meeting with Lady Malfoy shortly so she will be the first to know of the Louis XIV-style ball. I hope you and your friends know how to dance?"

"I taught them. Nature is a dance and nothing man-made can beat the delicate dance required to walk on water without creating a ripple."

"That, I have to see! Be ready for a demonstration request! Ah, one last thing: Fencing foil is mandatory for all males. "

"Sure. Did you know it is a substitute for showing one's virile attributes? The longer the foil, the smaller the dick!"

The Queen could not hold it in anymore and burst in hysterical laughter.

"You, King Potter, are so bad!"

"And you love me for it! See you at the ball!"

---

"Hey guys. Ready for Hogwarts?" Harry asked as he apparated directly into Malfoy Manor, surprising Lady Malfoy.

"Sometimes, I wonder if I have any wards..."

"You do. I can see them. The thing is, they have a shimmer, and I simply port in when the shimmer is at its lowest. That tells me when the shield is ready to enter a new cycle. Each ward has its own shimmer, and since they can not occupy the same space without entering in resonance, I use this weakness to port in-between them. Your wards are good, but they still have two feet between each layer. And I can usually bypass two or even three wards as they happen to be off at the same time because of their respective frequency. Hogwarts' wards are slightly better designed: first, they are better grounded, so they can be closer; second, no adjacent ward is of a multiple frequency of another; third, they are layered in such a way I have to negotiate each layer individually. Finally, there are more wards, and they are more varied than anywhere else I have seen. Apparently, Merlin had the same capacity I do, that is, he too could see wards."

"Why do we have to go back there? It was fun last term, but I find the teachers boring. What is their obsession with a stick?"

"Denis, the wand is used as a crutch. They need it."

"But I do not! Every time you teach us something, it is so simple!" replied a furious Denis Creevy.

"Harry, could you create some dumb piece of wood that looks like a wand, and we will practice doing Magic without it?" asked Robert Bates, another magical whose parents had been killed during the Voldemort period. "I, for one, do not want to be dependent on it. My parents were so stuck with their wand they were left defenseless when they were attacked on the street and disarmed by a stupid accio!"

"Sure."

A snap of the fingers later and a pile of wand blanks appeared on the ground.

"Pick the one that looks like yours. We want to give the old fools the change."

A few minutes later, Harry opened a portal to the gates of Hogwarts.

"Why not inside the Room of Requirements?" asked a surprised little girl, whose name escaped Harry for a few minutes.

"I have to adjust the gate so we are able to leave the Manor; adding the layers of wards of Hogwarts to it would make maintaining a stable gate open problematic. And we have no idea of how the Room of requirements is configured. There might be someone currently using it."

Once the gate was opened, everyone ran through and up to the doors of Hogwarts Castle.

"Damn, they have snow!" exclaimed another young new mage.

"Hey, we are in the Highlands of Scotland."

Once everyone was back in their dorm, Harry called up Draco and Neville.

"Guys, we are invited to the New Year ball at Buckingham Palace... tonight. We are to wear foils and Louis XIV court clothing."

"We are? And what about our parents?" asked a worried Neville.

"Well, the Queen is talking to them about the ball. Given we are magical, recreating epoch costumes should not be a problem."

"We do need to look at what they wore."

"I figured we could wear your fancy clothing, Draco?"

"We could, but I think we need to verify the style."

"Up to the room of requirements," said Neville, "where we only need to ask for clothes of the Louis XIV French Court to get an idea of the style."

The three boys made a run for the seventh floor and Harry asked for a Louis XIV Royal Court Wardrobe fit for a ball. The three boys entered the room to find thousands upon thousands of choices on hangers, enough to cloth them for a century.

"You pick what you like, and I will recreate the clothes so that we can leave the room of requirements without ending up nude. The Queen insists we wear clothes to save some old dinosaurs from a heart attack."

The boys spent a couple of hours having fun trying all sorts of clothes, finally selecting matching sets of tights, fancy shoes with laces, and shirts that had moderately large lace collars. Harry's was Royal blue, with a ermine fur collar that showed up the green lace of the collar, unwittingly imitating Louis XIV's own style. The boots were high-heeled, pointed at the tip and made of soft dark blue leather. The others wore something similar, Draco wearing a black bear fur collar, his dress being white, matching his hair to perfection. Neville had a green set that could well have been extracted from a banana leaf, with a leopard fur collar.

"You guys have settled on your choices?" asked Harry. Getting a nod from everyone, he stabilized the resulting tissues and they were ready to leave.

"Do not worry. Magic is Magic. The only issue with the Room of Requirements is that it does not stabilize what it creates for our needs. I fixed the issue for these wears. Now, portal to Buckingham Palace!"

"What about the foils?" asked Draco.

"Oh. I forgot. Leather belt, sheath, and foil coming up. The sheaths are on your left as is mine, since we are all right-handed. The belt goes on the hips. I made sure the foils did not scrape the ground."

"Thanks, Harry."

"It is nothing, Draco."

The three boys tied the belt and its sheathed foil and resumed walking along the halls of Buckingham Palace toward the Royal Suite. They quickly noticed that walking with that thing hanging on the side required some adjustments to their gait! Draco almost fell face first as he tried to negotiate a turn. Only Harry's quick reflexes saved his dignity.

"Oh, and we will need to dance..."

"What?" asked an alarmed Neville. "With that?" as he pointed at the foil on his side in worry.

"Yes, with that. Do not worry, we have magic and we can always ask for its help. What I can not wait to see is the mundanes! That will be hilarious!"

"Why?" asked Draco.

"Fencing may be a sport for them, but dancing with a foil in the legs is not!"

The three boys snickered as they walked into the Queen's antechamber.

"Hey boys, you are early!"

"I know. I thought it would take more time to decide what to wear," said Harry.

"You look like three brothers. Your adult counterparts are not here yet."

"Knowing Grandma, she is probably driving dad nuts!" said Neville.

"At least, dad is dead, so mom has no one to drive nuts!" added Draco.

"You think? She is probably busy making my Godfather wish for the return of Voldemort. Sirius is very serious on appearances, but I think he is getting lessons from her."

"Do you expect them to come to the ball together?"

"If they plan to keep to dancing, yes. After all, these two are closely related, as we all are, cousin. I can not wait to see the mundanes dance with foils!"

It was the turn of the Queen to snicker. "And I can not wait to see the American Cultural Attaché with one. He is already a two-left-feet guy without one!"

"Oh?"

"He slipped on the floor this morning and fell in a providential chair, that saved his cocci from the hard tiles."

"Did you have anything to do with it?"

"Whom do you think I am? I would not touch him with a ten-foot pole! An eleven-foot one, on the other hand..."

"I smell something in the air!"

"Okay, okay! I told him the need for Louis XIV court costume, including foil, for the ball, just as he was taking a run for the door."

"And what had pushed his dignity in his legs?"

"A message from one of our esteemed Mages... in the form of a patronus. He was blabbering about ghosts."

"I wonder why the patroni all seem to become visible at the most opportune time? Normally, mundanes do not see them. Probably because you need to see them to receive the message, and being mundane yourself, they have no choice but to become visible to all."

"That has occurred to Us. Lord Longbottom is looking into the question. Now, boys, go terrorize some unsuspecting visitors. I need to get ready too. Harry? Crown visible tonight! If I have to wear that breakneck thing, so do you!

After a few grumbles, the boys left to terrorize, as the Queen had ordered. They made their way to the antechamber of the audience room the Queen used, and Harry began giving fencing lessons to Draco and Neville, scaring the visitors by his repeated near-misses. He explained the role of the foil in Louis XIV balls, the need to be vigilant not to step on it to prevent the pants from getting pulled down by the leather belt that held the foil in place; the need to be careful of other dancers, as the foil tended to find its way between the legs of the other dancers; and he demonstrated the dances of the time, shocking the mundanes by showing 'simple' dances that made them feel sea-sick. After an hour, the antechamber was empty of visitors, run off by the repeated near-misses, the sickening dancing steps, and the raucous laughter of the three boys as they interacted in making the room an antechamber... of Hell.

"Now the Queen will be able to get ready for tonight without being bothered by inopportune opportunists," said Harry.

"What do we do to pass the time?" asked Neville.

"Play Cerberus! After all we have three heads!" said Draco.

"We could even each be a Cerberus... or at least I can. You two have yet to master shape-shifting. I could force the transform on you guys but I think it might be a tad uncomfortable."

"Let me see... Cerberus is the Guardian of the Gates of Hell; do you know of other animal guardians?"

"The Sphinx is the Guardian of Death for Egyptians... and let me see... there is Anubis, the Jackal, that accompanies the dead. I can make you into a jackal, Neville, well, do the partial transformation, so you could stand like a human and handle the staff of Anubis. I think that would shock a few out of their minds. Draco, would you like to be the Sphinx? The Lion with your head and footlong claws?"

"Do they fly?"

"Yes. Their wings are hidden in their fur. I do not recommend you fly. The one I met had a sixty-five foot wingspan!"

Behind the doors of the antechamber, a royal guard was freaking heavily as he heard the three boys discuss shifting shapes to scare unwanted visitors to the Queen. If they succeeded, he might as well retire, as the rumor mill would probably have the Kingdom bereft of Diplomats from the outside world. As he was getting ready to enter said antechamber, he heard a roar that made his bear hat fur stand on its end. Too shocked to even think, he opened the door and walked in, to find himself face to face with a Lion with a human face.

"Hey! Just the guy I wanted to see!" said Draco. "How do you like my little transformation? I think we will be able to keep visitors to a minimum, do you think not?"

"And I can retire. The rumor mill will go ballistic when the visitors run out of here leaving a track of crap all the way to the Great Entrance. You might not be too popular with the serving staff, boys!"

"Nah, I have set an auto-cleaning charm on the floors of the Palace. It does have some inconvenience, as anything dropped and left for more then ten minutes down is automatically moved to the room of lost things... and classified according to type and date of loss."

"You did that?" asked a baffled Draco.

"You certainly remember the Room of requirements at Hogwarts? I recreated one here. After all, Camelot's Throne room is in this castle. However, I improved on the Room of lost things: there are shelves and drawers with contents and date. That way, if you want to recover, say, the Magna Carta draft that some idiot lost in 1820, you go there, look for the section for paperwork, and go to 1820, to find said draft in one of the drawers. You mundanes lose the most strange things! I wonder why there are so many of these tiny bits of sheep intestines with a leather string attached?"

The guard became redder than a fire truck.

"I think I will leave the explanation to Lord Black, sir. I do not want to be accused of corrupting youths!"

"Uh?" said Harry, while Draco snickered.

"I found one at the Manor, and Dobby explained its use. It is called a condom and is used to prevent babies. He did not explain how it related to baby-making, telling me I needed to be a bit older to understand the explanation. Why is it that every time baby-making comes into play, we are never old enough?"

"I know how babies are made, but I doubt knowing that will tell me how this 'condom' thing relates to the act," said a miffed Harry, looking at the guard curiously. The guard ran out of the room so fast the Mages thought he had learned porting!

The guard did not bother telling anyone about what he had heard or seen, just reporting sick and being sent home. The 'change of guard' did not need to be announced by speakers. The first ambassador to show up at the antechamber happened to be the Egyptian one, and he did not bother entering as the person opening the door was not a guard but Anubis himself. He did an about-face in the best military style and ran off to save his soul! His hysterical "Anubis is after me!" repeated ever more loudly, ensured that the Mages were called to the Royal antechamber to verify his statement. When they reached the room's entrance, all they could hear were children laughing hard through the cracks in the door. Recognizing the voice of her son, Narcissa Malfoy walked in, ready to lay the ground rules! She changed idea very quickly when she met a Sphinx, and, behind it, a Jackal head stuck on a young boy's body, while, rolling on the ground yapping loudly, was a Cerberus. She closed the door slowly, and turned to the mundanes.

"The Queen is being protected by the guards of Hell. I suggest we make sure no one comes disturb them."

"The guards of Hell's doors?" asked a perplexed mundane.

"A Cerberus, Anubis the Jackal, and a Sphinx. I will report this to Lords Black and Longbottom. I am sure the Queen needs some time to get ready and she complained to Hell about being disturbed all the time by ambassadors and other long noses!"

As it reminded the guards of the nickname they had given ex Ambassador Wilkes, they laughed discreetly.

"I wonder how the American Cultural Attaché will react. Knowing him, he will try to bypass security and not listen to our instructions..."

"Let him pass through after a warning. Let it be on his head. Just make sure someone is with him that knows CPR. And insist it would be an insult to the Queen if he did not personally come to the ball tonight in Louis XIV court garb... including a foil. As he probably does not have one, pick one out of the castle armory, slightly too long, please?"

"Okay, Lady Malfoy. He should be making his appearance at the door in twenty minutes. Alfred, go get a foil and a belt for the fool. The party is due to begin in six hours, and finding one that is not too rusted will take some time."

"Do I remove the rust?"

"Ask one of the Mages if there is a rust removing spell and if so to perform it on the foil, and oil the skin of the sheath. I want the whole thing to look new. Ridicule should be of his own making, not out of our neglect."

The guard made for the Buckingham Castle armory and Narcissa ported to Grimeault Place, where she knew the Lords and Ladies of the Round Table were getting ready for the costumed ball. As soon as she apparated and walked in from the street into Lord Black's home, she began laughing uncontrollably.

"What is the issue?" asked a dumbfounded Sirius.

"Oh, I am sure you will learn of it shortly, so I might as well tell you. The Queen is protected by three guardians of Death: a Cerberus, a Jackal, and a Sphinx. The first one to meet the three guardians of Hell's door was none other than the Egyptian ambassador. I think the old codger beat the olympic one hundred yard dash record by several seconds!"

The two Lords laughed at the image, until Frank asked where the Queen found them.

"Oh, I have a good idea. I think that it is the making of your little devil, one Harry James Potter, Lord Sirius Black. You have been corrupting the little angel ever since you took your office as his Godfather!"

"You mean he did a prank? Finally! I thought he was getting too level-headed!"

"A prank, as one of those you did at Hogwarts? Far from it: the three boys were actually transformed into the respective chimera. I recognized Draco's voice as he laughed at the face the Egyptian Ambassador made."

"Are you telling me Harry is teaching them shape-shifting at this early age? He has us beat by five years! James would be so proud of his son! It is the rebirth of the Marauders! I am so happy I feel like I am walking on air."

"I do not know if he is teaching them or if he did the change for them. And you are six inches above the floor, so you actually are walking on air, Sirius."

"I hope you are not talking about Neville, when you say 'Marauder', Lord Black?" asked Alice as she walked down the stairs with the Longbottom dowager, Augusta. "If so, prepare for Hell as I do not want to let my well-behaved son become a prankster."

"Alice, you are behind the times. Neville is well versed in pranking, I heard from parents talking about Hogwarts. He is the plant genius of the three little monsters. I heard he had Flitwick caught in a never-ending forest of vines in his own classroom. Flitwick had to use just about every charm he knew to make it to the door... in five hours. I talked to Flitwick after hearing the story at Fortescue's ice cream parlor, and he told me he gave Neville and his two friends an Outstanding for the combined charm, transfigured plants, and potions combination they made. According to him, it reminded him of the Sleeping Beauty combination that hid her castle from the depredations of the mundanes some five hundred years ago, but more condensed, more potent. Slughorn had to come and counter the potion part for the plants to be harvestable by Sprout... that also earned the three outstanding marks in potions, transfiguration, and herbology."

"What? My Neville is being corrupted, and my mother in law finds nothing better than to applaud? Where did your rigid, no, frigid, code of honor go, Augusta?"

"Out the window, with Neville's last piece of cloth."

"Where is society going if pranks earn high scores rather than punishment?"

"For some rather funny times, my dear," said Frank, hugging his wife, as he watched Sirius wipe his eyes for the nth time from laughing too much. "Your set is in the second floor bridal suite, Narcissa. Winky is waiting for you to help put on the Louis XIV epoch disguise."

"I do not need help!"

"I thought so too, but I sure appreciated Winky when it came time to tie all those laces around!" said, smirking, Alice. "It took me an hour, even with elf magic, to get things right. I wonder how the French mundanes managed without magic."

"They started dressing for the evening meal in the morning, and held their dinners at eight at night. That is why dinners held at that time are called gentlemen's dinners," replied Sirius.

---

The ball was set to start at 8:00 PM sharp, and the Lords and Ladies of the Court of St-James were grouped in the antechamber, packed like beans in a barrel. At exactly 8:00, the double doors opened and allowed everyone to move to their assigned seats, classed by rank. The further away from the table head, the lower the rank. After sitting down in their respective places, guided by a trolley of footmen, the guests were busy discussing the strange arrangement found at the head of the table. On the right was a tall chair with a high backrest, and a crown that seemed to shine on its own; on the left was a similar chair, again with a crown, but slightly smaller, indicating subservience to the one on the right. Along the left side of the table were numerous chairs, indicating an important party was due to take their seats there; on the other hand, on the right side were a meager eight chairs, for a rather small party of mystery visitors were expected.

At 8:15, the first additional guest walked in, one of the St-James Royal family members and she made her way to the first free chair on the left, as the loud-mouth in service called her name and status. That continued until Prince Philip sat down. Then came the first member of the mystery party showed up:

"Lord of the Round Table of Camelot, Remus Lupin!" and then followed a series that had Lady Augusta Dowager Longbottom, followed by Lady Alice Longbottom, Lord Heir Neville Longbottom, Lord Heir Draco Malfoy, Lady Narcissa Black Malfoy, Lord Frank Longbottom, Lord Sirius Black, and then a pause which allowed people to digest the appearance of Lords and Ladies of the Round Table. Finally came the shock of the meal. After striking the floor hard with his staff, the loud mouth started:

"Please stand! May I introduce to you Her Majesty the Elvin King of Magic, Lord Harry James Potter, Mage of the Round Table in company of Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth II, protector of the Mundane Realm!"

The list of titles had been shortened considerably: there were two opposing reasons to explain this: First, Harry held so many titles it would take twenty minutes to read them all, and the whole list of titles of the Queen would disappear in the flow. Second, Queen Elizabeth would look ridiculously outranked, not something either Harry or her wanted to happen. Harry followed his footman to his throne-chair and Elizabeth did the same. It was only when they were standing at the chairs that Harry noticed the slight to Elizabeth and, with a mere look, added to the back of her throne the missing inches.

"I will roast the balls of the dimwit that insulted you in this way!" he whispered for her only to hear.

"Do not bother, my Liege. It only reflected reality."

"The hell with reality. I asked for equal treatment, and I meant equal, not this parody!"

The Queen extended a hand to lay it on Harry's shoulders. "We need to sit down for things to continue, Harry. They can not sit until we do."

With that she sat down and Harry followed, after moving her chair by magic into place.

The dinner went on rather well, with the American Cultural Attaché feeling he was out of his depth. There was a considerable difference between touring Embassies for a short appearance and this. He copied the actions of the ambassadors and whomever each of his immediate neighbors did, thus not doing any major faux-pas. The 20-cover meal went well, and at exactly 22:00, the bell rang. The Queen stood, and so did Harry. Harry took his station at the front of the procession, followed immediately by the Queen and prince Philip. Then came the members of the Round Table and finally the Royal Family of the St-James Court. Then the Lords of the British Realm and finally, the Ambassadors and, at the end of the long line, the American Cultural Attaché. If his status could have been spelled out, that was it.

---

The Ball itself opened with a Minuet, where Harry invited Draco as dance partner, shocking the prudish American Cultural Attaché and quite a few Ambassadors and British Lords of Saint-James Court. The Queen kept her decorum, but barely. Anyone with a sense of body-reading could see clearly she was having problems holding her laughter at the long faces of the distressed hypocrites.

Once the Minuet finished, it was followed by a Rondo, where the Queen joined Harry and Draco on the floor with Prince Philip. Shortly thereafter, Neville invited Lady Malfoy and the ball was on, as Sirius invited Augusta Longbottom and Lady Alice danced with her husband, Frank Longbottom. The third dance was open to all, and shortly, the dance floor was filled with dancers of all status and talent.

As the Queen was dancing with Harry, she whispered to his ear: "I wonder what is holding back the American Cultural Attaché? He claimed he could dance on any music, once. I want to see him at work."

"He came as a stud, you know. He has no one to dance with as most women run away at his approach."

"I wonder... that whale, Lady Scarborough, would fit him well, as he is thinner than a rod."

"I heard Lady Scarborough would probably manage to dance with a Troll, and step on his feet to the point the poor beast would need hospitalization!"

"If said Troll could get near enough, given her girth! She must be over 400 pounds!"

"Be charitable, my Queen... Be honest and state it: 500 pounds, no less!"

"Five hundred? How?"

"She is wearing a girder so tight it is made of steel straps. I think she has one of her footmen bolt it in the back along a steel rod that acts as a spine. If it was not for this steel dress, she would roll on the side."

"Hey, look! She has spotted the Attaché, whom is too busy trying to fish a sardine to notice the shark closing in on him!"

"That promises some sparks!"

"Finally some fun! I hate these functions, but some times, the show is worth the displacement. This promises to be one of these shows!"

The Whale made her way across the dancers, whom managed to move out of the moving wall of steel and flesh, and she stood behind the Attaché, whom was trying to get a lady to even acknowledge his presence. Finally, tired of his unethical persistence, the lady answered:

"Sorry, Mister..."

"Woolworth..."

"Woolworth, but I have been stepped on for enough times tonight I feel my feet bleeding in my shoes. So, I will contend myself at being a wallflower as it is a more secure station than dancing carpet. But I see someone that might be interested, just behind you!"

Woolworth turned around to be lifted off the ground by Lady Scarborough, and carried to the dance floor, face buried deep in her very big breasts. As they reached the center of the dance floor, Lady Scarborough dropped him off on his feet just in time as his face was having a fight between the red of shame and the blue of hypoxia. She then took the lead, shocking the Attaché even more. The Attaché was thrown into a rapid dance that almost cost him his two feet, as Lady Scarborough swung him like a leaf in a hurricane, stepping on the cumbersome appendages, while the foil slapped on the legs of other dancers, indiscriminate of sex, age, or size. It took less than a minute for a wide area of the dance floor to clear of dancers, as the foil made it impossible for anyone to even get near the two tornadoes. Each time Lady Scarborough stepped on his feet, the Attaché's face cringed, and any attempt at escape by the victim was severely repressed by a grip at the neck or shoulder worthy of a sumo champion!

Not that Lady Scarborough escaped the indignity of foot-dancing, as the American Attaché repeatedly stepped on her feet as well as he tried to stay standing while getting his legs caught in the foil. At some point, the belt holding it in place became a bit slack, and the foil began a migration from the left to the right hip, passing over the rear of the Attaché, the only thing that seemed to show some level of exercise as the musculature of the bums were protruding, round, and prominent. The foil looked like a Dragon tail as it swung left and right in step with the infernal speed at which Lady Scarborough was driving the dance. Newsmen recorded in video and still photographs the progress of said steel appendage, and also all the gymnastics the poor Attaché had to do to stay standing, with the constant help of the Whale, one must add.

The other dancers gradually came to a stop to watch the show, and the Queen's smirk was prominent.

"That, alone, will keep me smiling for a year!" she said. "Every time I feel ready to kick the Americans on the bum, I will remember this and hold my foot. After all, breaking a toe on a foil is not a good idea!"

Finally, the music stopped, and the Attaché accompanied Lady Scarborough to the buffet for some refreshments. His deportment, similar to a duck walking on ice, clearly showed he was in extreme pain, while Lady Scarborough walked stiffly, white knuckles clearly visible as she held to his right arm.

Finally the last dance was called. Everyone was stumped as the caller stated the name:

"And now, a special request by Her Majesty the Queen, a dance called the Water Dance, to be performed by His Majesty King Harry James Potter, of the Magical Court of Camelot. Please move to the side of the dance floor.

Harry looked at the Queen with a smirk.

"You told me you could dance on water without a ripple. I told you I would hold you to it."

Harry stood up, extending his hands to Draco and Neville. "Trust me!" he whispered to the two boys.

Once the floor was cleared, Harry pitched a big rock in the middle of the floor, which splashed like a pool of water as the rock sank out of sight.

"I meant it, as you see, it is really water, as my Godfather can attest from his drowsed looks!"

"Harry, hide your bums from by stinging hex, you twit!"

"Dream on, Godfather. Remember the last time you tried one of those on me?"

Sirius more than remembered so he kept to the best part of valor, silent!

Harry then took the left hand of Draco and the right hand of Neville and walked on the liquid surface of the pool he had just created. Everyone noticed there was not a ripple as the three boys walked to the middle. The three boys bowed to the Queen and Prince Philip and stood up.

"Music!" ordered Harry.

A resounding dance composed of an astounding number of complex steps that combined minuet, quick-step, ballet, rondo and waltz followed and lasted for fifteen minutes. Not a splash could be seen as the dancers performed on a watery surface that reflected their moves as if they had been dancing on a mirror. There were throws between the three partners that astounded a few ice skating dancers as they slid across the floor, passed under each other, and lifted one another, to finish in a spinning wheel that had Harry as the axel. Once the dance was completed, the three boys were facing the Queen and bowed. The roar of applause shook the candelabras to a jingle. The boys then moved off the pond.

"I am sure it is a fake!" whispered the American Cultural attaché, just as the applause came to a sudden stop. His comment was heard right across the ball room.

"Mister Woolworth? Why not come here and state for all to hear your opinion of the event?" asked the Queen, icy tone almost freezing the pond.

Too narrow-minded to smell the trap, Woolworth stepped on the dancing floor only to sink right to the bottom of the pool, his hair flowing freely in the water as his garment bubbled up while releasing air. He tried swimming back to 'shore' but, in his panic, he headed toward the Queen's side, and had to cross the deepest part of the pond. He kept jumping up and down, taking a breath as his head made it out of the water, only to sink back to the pond's bottom.

"Will he survive?" asked the Queen.

"Oh yes. I'm giving him a boost up otherwise the clothes would keep him under. By the time he reaches our side, he will have taken a full cup of water, turned an ugly blue, and look like a wet dog. He needs to be alive to report his adventures to Washington."

"I see... That too is to add to my happy dreams. Thank you, Lord Potter, it was a marvelous ball."

Shortly, the Attaché reached the Queen's shores, and wadded out of the pond, drenched, and leaking water from every piece of cloth he had on. His teeth were clattering loudly and he shivered badly.

"Why, it seems fakes have taken some density, Mister Attaché. Why, I wonder, are you playing piano with your teeth?"

"Cold! So cold!"

"Hey, I said I could dance on water, not that I planned to dance on steam! The water is taken directly from the Thames and it is January! I am sure you could fish in that pool!"

"He risks pneumonia..."

"Nah, it would be counterproductive, so I plan to keep his lungs clear until he warms up in his bath at home. He does look like a wet shaggy dog."

"I look like that?" said Sirius, "I think I will abstain from taking a doggy bath from now on!"

"You do, but you have the good sense to shake the water off your fur!" commented Frank.

"Time to go home, Mister Cultural Attaché." said the Queen. "The ball is over with the last dance."

"Wet!"

"So?"

"Cold outside!"

"That, Mister Woolworth, is the price to pay for calling Us fakes. Each pin of ice you feel while going home is to remind you never to call Us out ever again!" said a very unforgiving Harry. "We do wonder if your wool is so worth it if it can not keep you warm!"

"I suspect like any wool, it shrank from the contact with water!" said Neville.

"Especially the wool between the legs!" added Draco, shocking his mother!

"That and the sausage..." noted Harry.

The Attaché walked around the pool and made for a hasty exit.

"He will find out how cold a January night is in London," said Sirius.

"Especially since it is now snowing heavily, and there is a blizzard. The temperature dropped below the freezing point since the ball started."

"Harry! You did not!"

"And why not, Wolfie? He deserves every needle prick he gets!"

Some, whom heard the nickname, wondered where it came from, but neither Harry nor Remus were in the mood to enlighten them. There had been enough shocks tonight to feed the rumor mill for the year.