Finding My Way Home: Book 3 - Home Life

Have you ever gone through a year so painful and torturous that you pray for it to end so that life can get back to normal?  I had experienced exactly what I had been foretold of on the first night of the year.  I had felt the greatest joy I had ever known when I looked for the first time into the eyes of first Andy, and then Caine.  It wasn't that I felt they were my sons, and the older boys weren't.  I loved them all the same, but I had to admit that there was a difference looking into those innocent little faces for the first time.

If anything the little ones made me appreciate Ephraim, Derek, Brendan, and Daniel that much more.  I had already experienced the joys of fatherhood watching my sons begin to express their individuality and their freedom and independence.  Now I would get to live through the early years of fatherhood, the diapers, the late night feeding, the colic, the first words, the first steps.  The thing was I saw the same love in all of their eyes.  That was my greatest joy, seeing my sons and feeling their love for me.

At the same time, love had brought about my greatest pain in that last year as well.  I had lost my soul mate, my lover, my life partner, my Edan.  I still couldn't accept that he was gone sometimes.  I would see Andy or Caine do something new and cute and adorable and my first reaction would be to call out to Edan so he could share the moment with me.  He never answered though.  It was that silence after I called out to him that hurt me the most.  It was an emptiness that ate at me, and never stopped.

The older boys continued to worry about me, and I was still trying to convince them that I would be all right.  The problem was I couldn't convince myself.  I just couldn't see how I would get along without Edan.  I had been lost and floundering in life until Edan found me and rescued me.  It was Edan that had showed me who I really was, and got me to accept that fact.  I mean I could look back on my life at that point and see that I had always been gay, but it wasn't until I had met Edan that I was ready to accept that fact for myself.  It was his love for me and our family that gave me the courage and bravery to step up and protect them all.  Of course those thoughts always got me depressed as well.

Why hadn't I been there to protect Edan and Beth that day?  If I hadn't been running late I would have been in the restaurant with them.  I could have saved them.  I should have saved them.

Only one person saw what I was going through and doing to myself.  Rather there was only one that had guts enough to confront me about it.  Janice frequently bitched me out for my depressive states.  She even got to a point to where she was ordering me to get counseling.

"I'm not crazy, Janice," I told her defensively.

"I never said you were," she shot back.  "I said you are depressed.  You have lost someone who was your whole world.  I know what that's like.  You have to get on with your life, though.  Edan died, not you."

"Well, that's fine for you to say," I yelled.  "Beth was hardly cold in the grave before you moved in with another woman."

"GET OUT!!!!" Janice bellowed.  "Get out of my office right now, you… you…  GET OUT!!"

"YO! Dragon Lady! You're scaring the kids down the hall," Piper said snidely as he burst through the door.

"Now is not the time to cross me, Piper," Janice seethed.  "Get him out of here and make sure that I don't see him again for a long time.  A very long time."

"Now boss, you know that…."

"I know that I will make sure you never work again if you don't both get out of here now," Janice barked.

I didn't wait for Piper to escort me out.  I got up and left the office on my own.  I knew that I had hurt Janice very deeply with what I had said, but I wasn't reacting the way I used to before I lost Edan.  She would get over this and be begging me for cookies again in a week.

That isn't the way things worked out.  That night the phone rang and the caller id told me that it was Kathryn calling.  I assumed that it was Janice since they lived together.  I was wrong.

"What the hell did you do to her?"

"Hello to you too, Kathryn," I laughed.

"Don't you dare laugh at me, you jerk," Kathryn snapped.  "You said something to her and she came home and locked herself in her room.  I can hear her crying in there, but she won't talk to me.  The only time she came out of the room was to get a suitcase out of the closet.  I want to know what's going on.  I told you once that I would hurt you in ways you never imagined possible if you hurt her."

"Do not threaten me, doctor," I warned seriously.  "You will not like it if you try to take me on.  I suggest you keep trying to talk to her.  If I did anything today I only hit a nerve.  She'll get over it."

"You did do something, didn't you?"

"She accused me of being crazy," I snapped back.

"Oh she said something you didn't like, so you said something to hurt her.  That is so typically male," Kathryn sneered.  "How mature."

"I'm not crazy, I just miss Edan," I blurted.  "It's not my fault that she couldn't handle the truth about herself."

"What truth would that be?"

"I just told her that my grief doesn't make me crazy just because she was able to move right in with you."

"You didn't," Kathryn gasped.  "Yes of course you did.  You're a man.  Of course you're too stupid to see anyone else's pain but your own."

Suddenly I heard Janice's voice in the background.  "If that is the sperm donor of my son, let him know that I intend to pursue sole custody.  He had better say goodbye to Andy now, because I will pull in every favor I am owed in the Children's Services department.  He may even lose his other kids when I am done with him."

"Bring it on, woman!" I yelled into the phone.  "I can't believe she would be so vindictive as to hurt my kids just because she's a cold blooded tramp."  I slammed the phone down and immediately called Ray.

"I'm sorry, Cameron, but I can't help you with this," he told me sadly.  "It would be a conflict of interest for me to get involved in a case against the person who owns fifty percent of my own law firm.  My best advice is to work things out and not let it get to that point.  You guys have been friends for a long time.  Don't let one insensitive comment ruin that."

"Oh so you really are on her side, aren't you?" I snapped.  "I'm insensitive.  She accuses me of being crazy just because I still mourn for my life partner instead of moving in with the first floozy to come along and I'm the one that's insensitive.  Thanks for nothing, Ray."

The next morning I was woken up by Scooter barging into my room.  I still wasn't sleeping much at night.  In fact I hadn't slept well since he had stopped staying with me.

"I never knew you could be such a jackass," Scooter announced as I slowly sat up in bed.

"Good morning, Scooter," I greeted sarcastically.  "I see you've heard Janice's side of the story as well."

"I found out from a reliable source that the two of you were downright hateful to each other yesterday, if that's what you meant to say," he told me.  "Poor Piper was distraught the rest of the day."

"Piper?" I gasped.  "Please don't tell me that you and Piper are… dating."

"No, we're not dating," Scooter told me quickly.  "Piper's just a friend.  I haven't dated anyone since….  Well, that's not important right now.  How could you say something like that to Janice?  You know as well as I do that she is just living with Kathryn for medical reasons and to give Daniel and Brooke some newlywed time."

"I just think it was awfully convenient that she get a lesbian doctor who just happens to have no problems with her moving in only weeks after Edan and Beth died," I pointed out defensively.

"How do you think it looked to people when I stayed here with you after Edan died?" Scooter countered.

"Well, you were just a friend helping me through a difficult time," I responded.

"So what do you really think Kathryn is doing for Janice?" Scooter asked pointedly.

"Oh god, Janice must hate me so much," I moaned.  How could I have been so mean?

"If she does, I would say she is perfectly justified," Scooter told me.  "You aren't the only one grieving, Cameron.  As Dolly said, 'Get off the cross honey, somebody needs the wood.'"

"I have been such a pain in the ass," I continued.  "How can I ever make this up to everyone?"

"By getting better, Cameron," Scooter answered.  "We are all just concerned about you.  We're not asking you to forget Edan.  We just want you to realize that you can go on living.  On the other hand, I would advise you to stay away from Kathryn and Janice for a little while.  Of course, you could apologize to Piper if you want.  He has to deal with Janice at work every day after you've put her in a record achieving bad mood."

"No one should have to face the Dragon Lady at her worst," I commiserated.  "I'll find some way to make it up to him."

"His suggestion is that you and I attend one of his shows," Scooter informed me.

"I've never been to a drag show before," I pointed out.

"They're fun," Scooter said with a smile.  "It's about time you had some fun."

"Edan has only been gone a few months," I protested.  "It's not appropriate for me to go out yet."

"Cameron, this is not Victorian England, and you are no helpless widow," Scooter scolded.  "Now get out of that bed and come change your children.  They are stinking up the whole house."

"You know it's not that hard to change a diaper," I pointed out as I rolled out of bed.  I suddenly remembered that I was naked.  "Oh, ummm…. Sorry, Scooter.  It's not like I have anything you haven't seen before on any number of other guys, though, is it?"  He mumbled something that I couldn't hear as he turned and left the room quickly.

I quickly put some lounge pants on and went to the nursery, only to find that the babies were not in their cribs.  I headed for the kitchen next and found the older boys at one end of the room holding their noses and debating over who was going to have to change the little ones who were innocently playing in their breakfast at the other end of the room.

"Derek, Brendan, and Ephraim, you boys should be ashamed," I scolded.  "You know they could get a rash from staying in that too long."  I walked over and picked up Andy and Caine.  "As for you," I said looking directly at Scooter.  "It's time you learn your way around a changing table."

"But…"

"No buts unless you're changing theirs," I said as I walked out with the little ones smearing their breakfast from their clothes onto my bare chest.

"I have to go to work," Scooter complained.

"I already know that you have every Saturday off," I corrected him.

"Fine, I'll do it on one condition, you go to Piper's show tonight with me," Scooter bargained with me.

"We'll watch the boys," Derek called out.

"We will?" Brendan blurted.  I heard a groan and then he added, "Sure we'll take care of all four babies if you want us to."

"HEY!!!" Ephraim yelled.

"Don't pick on your nephew, Brendan," I called back.  Derek had followed me through to the nursery.  I looked at him and asked why he was so willing to babysit.

"DAD!  Not you too," Ephraim complained from the doorway.  "I'm not a baby.  I'm almost fifteen."

"Cut the crap," Derek told him.  "You just turned 13 a couple of months ago."

"Well, that's close," Ephraim countered as he stuck his tongue out at his big brother.

"That's why I call you a baby," Derek retorted as he returned the gesture.

"Guys, don't you dare teach these little angels your bad habits," I warned, even though I knew it would happen anyway.  "Since you two are here, you can teach Scooter how to do this while I go clean their breakfast off of me.  Pay attention Scooter, you may need to do this again someday."

"I'm gay.  I'm not supposed to have to deal with babies," Scooter protested.  "This is gross."

"You work with dead people," Derek pointed out.  "That's gross.  These are just dirty little boys."

"You'll survive, Scooter," I called out as I headed for the shower in my room.

"You owe me for this," Scooter yelled back at me.

"That's why I'm going out with you tonight," I yelled back.  As I stepped into the shower, I heard a door slam somewhere in the house.  All the boys knew not to do that, but I would deal with it after my shower.  I wouldn't admit to Scooter, but he was right.  There were times that babies were a little gross.  I hated wearing baby food.  I got out of the shower and got dressed and found Derek just finishing up changing Caine.  "What happened to your helpers?" I asked him.

"I think Ephraim wasn't quite ready to hear that you were going out on a date tonight," he responded.  "Scooter went up to talk to him."

"I'm not going on a date," I protested.  "I'd better go up there and explain that."

I met Scooter and Ephraim coming down the stairs as I started up them.  Ephraim was still wiping his eyes, but he was smiling.  He came right up to me and gave me a big hug.

"Well, what brought that on?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," Ephraim whispered.  "I made a mistake about you, and thought you were already forgetting Pop.  I should have known better."

"Ephraim, I will never, ever forget your Pop," I assured him.  "I will love Edan for the rest of my life and far beyond.  There might be a day someday that I do start dating again, but I'm nowhere near ready for that now.  Before I date anyone, I will talk to you boys first.  No one comes into my life without your approval, ok?"

"You mean you will only date guys that we approve of?" Ephraim asked in return.

"That's right," I promised.  "He will have to have the unanimous support of any boys still living at home before I will go on a single date."

"That will work," Ephraim said firmly.  He looked up at Scooter for a moment, and then added, "I don't think I will have a problem with that."  He grabbed Scooter in a hug then before taking off for the kitchen.

"What was that all about?" I asked Scooter.

"I guess he was just grateful that I came up and talked to him," Scooter stammered suddenly sounding rather nervous.  "I told him that you were just going somewhere at the same time as me.  You and I aren't dating."

"Of course we're not," I said dismissively.  "Admit it though; you just went up there so you wouldn't have to change diapers."

"I did not," Scooter protested.  "I care a lot about these boys.  You know that, Cameron."

"Yes I do, and I apologize if I made it seem like you didn't," I told him seriously.

"That's okay," Scooter told me.  "It did have the benefit of having excellent timing," he confessed with a sheepish grin.

"Come on to the kitchen, Uncle Scooter, and I'll fix you some breakfast," I told him as I walked away.

"No, I'm going home to take a nap," Scooter told me.  "I have to drag someone kicking and screaming out into the world again tonight.  I'll need plenty of energy, not to mention a terrific thirst, since he'll be buying all my drinks to make up for making me change diapers this morning."

"But you didn't do it," I pointed out.

"I specifically stated that you owe me before walking into the room and you agreed, now tonight you will pay up, you  slave driver you."

"Fine, but you're the designated driver, so all I have to pay for is soda," I agreed.

"What?"

"Well, I don't know where the club is, and I am certainly not taking my convertible to some strange bar," I informed him.  "I will not come out of this place tonight and find my ragtop shredded and puke all over my back seat."

"All right, you cheapskate, soda for me," Scooter conceded.  "Did I mention that I will be driving the hearse?"  Before I could respond, he ran out the door and was gone.

"If he shows up in a hearse, I am not going anywhere with him," I grumbled as I walked into the kitchen.

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Author's Notes:

Well, here it is, the first chapter of the story I never planned to write.  Oh well.  I hope you enjoy the continuing tale of Cameron and his family.  And don't worry; I'm sure Janice will forgive him.  She likes his cooking too much not to make up with him.  Thanks for reading.

Boudreaux