It Can Work Out

Tommy

As the days passed, Tommy accepted his sexuality in his own mind more and more. He found himself actually checking out several boys he saw around town. He happened to be in the mall, sitting in the food park when he saw a boy that caught his attention. He was about his own age, blond hair, deep blue eyes. His skin looked as if it would be soft. Tommy couldn't stop staring.

After a few moments the other boy made eye contact with Tommy. They stared at each other for a moment then Tommy got a little nervous when he saw the other boy walking in his direction.

"Hi, I'm Curt."

Nervously, Tommy replied, "Um, Hi, I guess. I'm Tommy."

Curt smiled and said, "I couldn't help but notice you looking over at me."

"Yeah, never seen you here before."

"I usually go to the mall on the other side of town, but I am supposed to meet a few friends here, then we were going to go to a movie."

"That's cool, I guess." Tommy was getting more nervous as this conversation continued. Not only was this very strange to him, but, he got odd feeling from Curt. Tommy got an uneasy feeling from the way Curt was looking at him.

"You know, you're kinda cute, Tommy." Curt said with a grin.

"Um, Thanks?"

"Can I get your phone number? Maybe we can go out sometime?"

"Um, I dunno, um, maybe if we see each other again. Look, I gotta go." Tommy said, barely able to speak he was so nervous.

"Well, I don't usually come to this mall, so, wanna meet here next weekend, say, Saturday about 11?"

Tommy needed to get away, he was feeling things he wasn't ready for. He felt flattered at the thought that someone wanted him, but things were going too fast. He felt his face blush a darker shade and felt his cheeks burn. "Ok, I'll try. See ya!" Then Tommy left as quickly as he could.

He hurried out of the mall to clear his mind. He began a brisk walk out of the mall, and slowly walked faster and faster until he ended up running towards his house. He ended up stopping at a neighborhood park on the way and he found a quiet bench to sit down and catch his breath. His emotions were flying everywhere. He had so many conflicting thoughts running through his mind. All at once he felt fear, excitement, wonder, and even anger.

Was he angry at himself? Was he angry at Curt? He didn’t think it was Curt’s fault. Curt didn’t initiate this and he was the one who started staring. He just didn’t know how to feel about this. His brain was in a whirl until he realized he had been hit on. The realization hit him hard and he couldn’t really feel flattered, giggly, or just plain angry. Not having an answer made him more confused and he just settled with being angry. Not finding the answers he was looking for, he sat up from the bench and walked the rest of the way home. When he arrived home, the house was empty. He went upstairs to his room and laid on his bed. The open air from the park didn’t help. He needed to think in solitude.

Tommy pulled his covers around him, making a cocoon, making him feel very safe, and secure. His thoughts turned back to what he was doing. He couldn't believe he was checking boys out in the mall. There was more than one that if he had the guts he would have approached. But, that would have meant putting his sexuality out there. This was something he wasn't ready for, not yet. Even so, it made him feel kind of different.

Subconsciously, Tommy began rubbing himself as he pondered his day. One thing led to another, clothing began being removed, and the next thing he knew he was deep into some self pleasure. Visions of all of the boys he’d seen that day filtered through his thoughts. When he imagined Curt, he imagined running his hands on Curt’s skin; he could almost feel it. The sound of his voice…"You’re Cute" repeating in his mind. When the moment of truth came and he was about to relieve himself of his pent-up juices, it was Curt's face that flashed into his mind as he experienced the most mind-blowing orgasm of his young life.

As his orgasm subsided, the high that came along with it left Tommy. That's when guilt reared its ugly head.

"What the FUCK was I thinking? This just seems so wrong, but yet again, so right," Tommy thought. Turbulent thoughts flowed through his mind as he felt physically used.

Tommy cried. He cried for reasons still unclear to him. Too many emotions overwhelmed him. He needed to talk to someone, but who? He cleaned himself up and took a long shower. He felt almost as if he needed to bathe in order to get some of his own dirtiness off of him. He dressed and went back to his computer.

He went back to his trusty friend "Google" and typed in "Gay Teen Advice" among the listings was a site called "The Trevor Project." It was a site geared to gay kids. He went onto the site and saw they had a chat room. He entered it. He merely read what was being said for a while, and the more he read, the more comfortable he became. Finally, he decided to join in on the chat.

Tommy: hi, i'm new here.

Moments later, he received several replies:

Art: Hey Tommy, welcome.

GayGA: 'sup, Tommy

Trevor(mod): Welcome, Tommy. If you need anything, just ask.

Tommy: Um, yeah. I think I'm gay. I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

Art: way to go, tommy!

Trevor(mod): Tommy, we're all here for the same reason. We've all been through exactly what you're going through. If you wanna talk, we're here for you.

Tommy: I met a guy today and he kind of freaked me out a little.

Trevor(mod): Tommy, I'm going to open a private window with you, let's talk. Okay?

Tommy: k

A window opened:

Trevor(mod): What do you mean, a guy, and how did it freak you out?

Tommy: He was another kid, about my age. I'd been looking at him and he came over to me. He said I was cute.

Trevor(mod): Okay, just wanted to make sure it wasn't some old guy. That's one danger for guys just coming out, they can be easy pickings for men with the wrong idea. What did you think of him calling you cute?

Tommy: In a way, I liked it. I had been kinda staring at him for a while.

Trevor(mod): So he was cute too, huh?

Tommy: I think so. He asked to see me again. Then I got scared and left. But he told me to meet him next Saturday.

Trevor(mod): So, what happened then?

Tommy: I went to a park and thought for a bit. I was kinda confused. Then I went home. I kept thinking about him and some of the other boys I saw and I kinda jacked off thinking about him. Then I felt kinda guilty.

Trevor(mod): You know, Tommy, it's pretty common. You are going through something very new to you right now. You met someone who seems to like you, well, at least what you look like, and from what you said, you seem to like his looks too. Just remember, you need to do this at your own pace. Don't rush into anything.

Tommy: Yeah. You think I should meet him next week?

Trevor(mod): That is something I can't advise you on, what I can do is say for you to follow your heart, and if you do meet him, do it someplace public so you guys can get to know more about each other. Not just what you can see on the outside.

Tommy: It's just so confusing.

Trevor(mod): Well, we're here for you, pretty much 24 hours a day. If you have questions, don't worry about it, come here and ask.

Tommy: Thanks. I will.

With that, Tommy disconnected from the site, remembering to clear his browser cache and history.

Over the next few days, Tommy wrestled with himself over his feelings. He spent more than a few hours on The Trevor Project chat and had talked with many others about what things were like for them and he could see a lot of what they were telling him in himself.

He'd come to a decision not to go to the mall that Saturday. After all, school was set to start on Monday and he didn't need to further confuse himself. His days were spent at the park where he allowed his mind to fantasize about other boys he saw. He knew one thing. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted someone to share his life with. He just hoped and prayed that someone would come along.

For more information on the Trevor Project, check out their website at:

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Founded in 1998 by the creators of the Academy Award®-winning short film TREVOR, The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) young people ages 13-24.

 

[To Be Continued]