Fantasy Faire

We made it to the hospital after a short drive, and I had to get bloodwork done and pee in a cup, and they took images of my head in this giant donut machine that made a lot of noise.  By that time, Mrs. Keane and Baka had made it to the hospital as well.  They told me that they had gotten the books I wanted and the deputy had gotten enough clothes for me for several days.  It suddenly dawned on me at that point that a total stranger had gone into my room and handled my underwear to pack a bag for me.  I wasn't sure at first which bothered me more, the fact that some unfortunate person had been forced to pack up my stuff for me, or the fact that this person I didn't know had touched my most private clothing.   As I thought through those ideas though, my feelings became clearer. When I started blushing over that fact my undies had been in unknown hands, everyone in the exam room started getting all upset about my health again, which of course made me blush worse.

"I'm fine, really," I promised them all.  "I just... well, umm... I kinda just realized that someone I have never met just went rummaging through my underwear drawer."

"EEWW!" Robin grimaced.  "That would be creepy."

Just then the psych doctor came into the room.  "Hello, everyone," he said politely.  "I would love to meet you all and talk with you, and I hope I get the chance to do that soon, but for the moment, I would like to speak to young Mr. Rundle alone for a few moments."

"Please do not call me that," I told him quickly.  "I don't ever want anything to do with that man again, not even his name."

"Well I am Dr. Branstetter," he said as he sat on the little stool beside the bed.  "What would you like me to call you?"

"I guess just call me Elijah," I answered.

"Can you tell me about why you are here tonight, Elijah?"

"I'm here for a couple of reasons, but I think the one you are most interested in is the reason you are here," I countered.

"And is there a reason I am here?" Dr. Branstetter asked.

"Actually you're here for a couple of reasons too," I sighed.  "I've had a Charles Dickens kind of day.  The best of times and the worst of times," I explained.  I proceeded to tell him what I had planned to do this morning and why, and then moved on through the rest of the day up to what I had learned from the sheriff about my parents.

"Well, you have had a pretty wild day, haven't you?"

"It’s been like a roller coaster ride that's for sure," I agreed.  "So what happens now?"

"Well, now I ask you some questions, and please answer honestly, based on what you are feeling right now.  Don't say what you think I want to hear, or what you think will get you out of any trouble you think you might be in or might get into.  There aren't any wrong answers, except unspoken ones."  I nodded and he continued.  "You told me that you planned to stop all your pain this morning.  How were you going to do that?"

"I was going to kill myself," I confessed as I looked down at the blanket, and then wiped a tear from my eye.  "I didn't want to keep living the way I have been, lying to everyone around me all the time about who I am.  I knew my parents, well my dad, wouldn't accept me and would probably kill me himself, so I was going to save him the trouble."

"Did you have a plan for how you were going to do this?"

"Yeah, I took a knife from the kitchen with me when I went walking through the woods this morning," I answered.  "I was going to find a nice, pretty, quiet spot and cut my wrists and my throat."  I looked up at him then and quickly added, "I don't want to do that anymore, though.  I'm not crazy now."

"Why don't you want to die now, Elijah?"

"This morning I didn’t think there was any way out of the mess my life was in," I told him honestly.  "Now I know different.  I don't ever have to go back to my... that man's house again.  I never have to live by his rules again.  I also have people that love and accept me, now, the real me, not the person I have to pretend to be for them."

"So because you found a boyfriend you think life is worth living again?"

"Yeah, but not just because of that," I said quickly.  "Finding Robin and having him like me the way I like him is awesome, but I can't base my life on him or our relationship because that would be just like what I have been doing up until now; living my life for someone else.  I want to live now because I know that there are people that will allow me to be who I am and not punish me or kill me for it.  I want to live because I don’t want to give that man the satisfaction of thinking he was right about gays, about me, that we don't deserve to live."

"Well, Elijah what you just told me is very close to what I usually hear from people who are telling me what they think I want to hear, but I have a gut feeling that you actually mean it," Dr. Branstetter said as he stood up.  He smiled at me for a second and then told me, "I think you have a really good outlook right now.  There is one problem though.  You have admitted to me that you not only planned to kill yourself, but that you had a plan to do so, and in fact were only stopped from doing so because you were interrupted.  That is a very serious situation.  Now normally someone who tells me something like that would be hospitalized for two weeks in my department upstairs."

"Two weeks?" I squeaked.  I sighed then and looked down sadly.  "I understand though.  I was about to do something really stupid because I didn't think through my other options realistically.  Can I see the Keanes again before I have to go?"

"Of course you can see them again, but you didn't let me finish," he chastised me softly.  "I said normally it's a two-week stay.  I am going to give you an option.  If you think you can convince me that you really are no longer planning to hurt yourself in three days' time, I will let you go home to the Keanes then instead of keeping you the whole two weeks."

"Really?" I squealed.  Ok, I admit it.  I squealed like one of the girls from school.  I'm allowed in that circumstance, I think.

"Yes, three days, assuming you and I have some nice long talks during that time and you keep convincing me that my gut is right about you," he smiled.  "Besides, just between you and me, I think if I kept you the whole two weeks, I would have to have another young man join you because he would be despondent without you."

"I know I would be a lot sadder without him for that long," I grinned.  I looked up at the doctor again and then asked, "Is it a bad thing that I feel that strongly about him so fast?  I just met him today."

"I think that will be something you and I can talk about during your stay upstairs," he told me.  At my frown, he added, "I am not saying it is or isn't a bad thing.  I am just saying that you and I will discuss that further later.  Now I have some paperwork to do to get you admitted, and you need to tell your family that you will be staying with me for a few days."

"Will I be allowed visitors?"

"Already wanting to sneak your boy in?" he asked with a smile.

"Well, actually I was thinking of the fact that I will need to see his parents so that they can make the arrangements for my mom's funeral for me," I corrected him.  "Of course it would be nice if they bring him along," I added with a grin.

"Yes, under the circumstances, you will be allowed visitors," he informed me.   "I think it will be likely that you will have to talk with the sheriff's office and probably the district attorney's office as well."

"I think with all that going on, it will be a good thing to be in here for a few days," I admitted.

"Elijah, even if I release you in three days, I am going to want to see you for some time at my office to make sure everything is going ok," he told me seriously.  "And just so you know officially, I am not going to ever try to tell you that there is anything wrong with being gay."

"Can I ask you something right quick, Doc?"  He nodded and I continued.  "Do you know how hard it is to have your name legally changed?"

"If that is something you want to do, I will be glad to help you check into it, and I'm sure the Keanes will as well," he smiled.  "One of my staff will be here in a little while to take you up to my department and help you get settled for the night.  I will see you tomorrow morning.  Not that I am wishing bad dreams on you or anything, but I will leave a prescription for a mild sedative just in case you have trouble sleeping tonight.  You might not need it, but it will be there if you do."

"Thank you, Dr. Branstetter," I told him sincerely.  "I will prove to you that it's ok to let me go in three days though.  I actually feel like I have a life of my own now, and I am not going to let me or anyone else stop me from enjoying all of it I can."

"That's the spirit," he smiled and left the room, leaving the door open for Robin and his parents to come back in.

"Baka has already gone back to the fair so she can keep Tania tonight," Robin told me.  "Did he say when you can leave?"

"Yeah, in three days," I told him.

"What?  Three days?" Robin asked.  "I didn't think you hit your head that hard."

"I didn't, but if you hadn't shown up when you did this morning, I wouldn't be alive right now, and that is pretty serious stuff," I explained.  "The doctor wants to make sure that I really don't want to do that anymore before he will let me out of here."  He started crying a bit then and hugged me tightly, which felt so good.  "I need my angel to save me one more time today though."

"Anything at all," he said standing up and wiping his eyes.

"Sneak me in a coke and a candy bar before I have to start three days of hospital food," I grinned.

"I'm on it," he grinned back and after begging money from his dad, took off down the hall of the hospital to the vending machines.

I looked at his parents for a moment before I spoke again.  "I understand why they are keeping me in here, but that means that I won't be able to take care of my mom, and her parents can't do it, either."

"Elijah, we would be honored to make your mother's arrangements for you," Mrs. Keane told me as she stepped to the bed and hugged me tightly, kissing me on the head.  "Is there anything, in particular, you want done?"

"Her favorite dress is.... I mean was purple with light green trim," I remembered out loud.  "There is a purple iris pin in her jewelry box that I gave her for Mother's Day when I was six.  I would like it if she could wear those for... for her...."  I didn't finish the sentence.  I couldn't because I was crying too hard.  Mrs. Keane sat on the edge of the bed and held me while I cried.  Mr. Keane stepped around to the other side of the bed and rubbed my back as I sobbed, "I want my mommy back."

The next thing I remember is waking up in a strange room.  As I looked around, I realized that I was in the psych department room but I didn't know what time it was.  There were no windows and there was no clock.  The next thing I realized was that I was wearing a hospital gown and my underwear, and a pair of really, REALLY yellow socks with rubber stripes on them.  I got out of bed and opened the door of the room and peeked around to see if anyone was in the hallway.

There was no bathroom in my room, but there was a men's room right across the hall.  I quickly crossed the hall only to find the door locked. Someone must be in it; just my luck.  There was a nurse's station just down the hall to my left so I headed there, holding the back of the gown closed behind me the best I could.

"Um, hello," I called softly.  A guy who looked about the same age as Mr. Keane came out of a door behind the desk.

"Oh, you're awake," he smiled.  "Doctor Rick said to tell you that he was sorry for knocking you out like that, but that he thought you needed it last night."

"Yeah, I probably did," I agreed.  "But right now I need some clothes and a bathroom, not necessarily in that order," I blushed.

"Sure thing, buddy," he said as he came out into the hallway.  "The bathroom is right across from your room.  I'll unlock it for you.  When you're done in there, come back to the desk and I will bring your clothes to your room and we can go over what you need to know."

"Ok, thanks," I said, and ducked into the men's room as soon as he opened the door for me.  I did what had to be done and headed back to the desk when I heard a voice from behind me.

"I see London, I see France."  I reached behind myself and pulled the gown closed while blushing head to toe.  I turned to see an old man laughing.  "I'm sorry kid, I didn't mean to embarrass you that bad.  I just thought you might want a little more privacy."

"Thank you," I mumbled and hurried to the desk.

"Can I get my clothes now please?" I asked the nurse.

"Sure thing, buddy," he answered.  He walked over and unlocked a drawer and pulled out a suitcase that I recognized from home.  After opening it, he looked over at me and said, "All I see in here are slacks and button downs, didn’t they send you anything comfortable?"

"That's all I have," I told him.  "It's ok."

"Well, if you say so," he shrugged.  He handed me some pants and a white shirt, and told me he would meet me in my room in just a minute or two.

 "Ok, first things first," the nurse guy said as he walked into my room.  "There will be two group sessions each day, one in the morning and one in the evening.  You will not have to attend, but you should know that if you don't, it can impact how long you are here.  How much you participate in the discussions will also have an effect on how soon you get out of here.  Obviously, we will also take into account what you say when you participate.  All of that is subjective and up to the care team of nurses like me and your doctor.  You also need to be aware of a few things.  First of all is that you are the youngest patient we have ever had on this wing in the ten years I have been working this unit.  Congratulations on that, I guess.  I know boys your age believe yourselves to be all grown up, but I am here to remind you that you are just fourteen.  Being in an adult unit means we have rules that are set up for adult patients, but they still apply to you.  Being a fourteen year old on this unit means that if you feel uncomfortable or scared, you come tell me or whoever the nurse on duty is at the time.  We will do what we can to make sure you feel as safe and as comfortable here as possible.  We're not going to baby you, and we won't let you act like a baby either, but we will listen and evaluate your concerns and do what is appropriate in the circumstances.  Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," I answered.  "May I ask a question?"

"How about we finish the rules and see if they answer your questions, first?" He replied.  "And call me Steve."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Steve, I shouldn't have interrupted."

"You didn't interrupt, so you don't need to be sorry, and it is just Steve."

"It would improper to call you by your first name when you are an adult, and are taking care of me," I told him seriously.  "My fa... You know what; I will try to call you Steve.  That man's rules do not apply to me anymore and yours do.  I'm Elijah, but I guess you know that already," I added blushing as I said my name, realizing that he had to know who his patients were.

"No need to be embarrassed, Elijah," Steve told me.  "I will have to ask your name whenever I give you medications, although all we have on order for you so far is a mild sedative at night to help you sleep, and only if you request it."

"I'm not going to say I won't need it, but I hope I don't," I told him.

"So do I, buddy," Steve said, then looked at me very seriously.  "I should apologize.  It is very unprofessional of me to call you buddy.  I should not be letting your age be an excuse to treat you differently than any other patient."

"So you aren't allowed to call anyone by a nickname?" I questioned.

"Not unless they tell me to," he replied.

"I insist you call me Buddy from now on," I grinned.

"I can do that," he smiled.  "Now how about we go out and join the other guys for morning group session?"